Dec 31, 2013, I wrote:
I wish that next Christmas I would be in a place where I can love more, be more independent, and have the time, energy, and motivation to be ever more creative. I hope I'm more me in 2014 than I've ever been.
Did that happen?
Am I in a place I can love more? I think so. I'm not in a place of as much grieving, but I have a better understanding of LOSS as a general topic, which gives me more compassion for others. That's love.
Am I more independent? A resounding yes. At the time I wrote this, I didn't know what I was going to move out, and that my family was going to move 13 hours away from me. I would say that me being more independent is somewhat of a rather large understatement. Be careful what you wish for, I guess. Wishes are prayers without an address. And I think a fairly large number of them actually come true. It's just that what we wish for is often not what we expected it to be.
Do I have the time, energy, and motivation to be creative? Yes. I've taken up a new hobby - crafting. I've decorated all my walls, sometimes re-decorating them out of excess creativity. That's good. I haven't written. That's not necessarily bad, but it isn't a good feeling. I feel all clogged up. It's from the months of saddness where I couldn't write well. I'm starting to unclog and make an effort.
Was I more me in 2014 than I've ever been? Yes, I think so. As Albus Dumbledore said,
Am I in a place I can love more? I think so. I'm not in a place of as much grieving, but I have a better understanding of LOSS as a general topic, which gives me more compassion for others. That's love.
Am I more independent? A resounding yes. At the time I wrote this, I didn't know what I was going to move out, and that my family was going to move 13 hours away from me. I would say that me being more independent is somewhat of a rather large understatement. Be careful what you wish for, I guess. Wishes are prayers without an address. And I think a fairly large number of them actually come true. It's just that what we wish for is often not what we expected it to be.
Do I have the time, energy, and motivation to be creative? Yes. I've taken up a new hobby - crafting. I've decorated all my walls, sometimes re-decorating them out of excess creativity. That's good. I haven't written. That's not necessarily bad, but it isn't a good feeling. I feel all clogged up. It's from the months of saddness where I couldn't write well. I'm starting to unclog and make an effort.
Was I more me in 2014 than I've ever been? Yes, I think so. As Albus Dumbledore said,
It's our choices that show us what we truly are, Harry, more than our abilities.
So yes, I would say I've been true to myself through all of these decisions - but I always have been. What I mean to say is, I have always been as much like myself as I knew how to be at any given time. But this year, I've found myself in the decisions I've had to make. So I would say: this year, I've gotten to know myself on a deeper level than I ever have before. I've discovered that I'm fairly independent. I've discovered an ability to live on my own and run my own life in a healthy way. I've discovered my strength.
I've also discovered myself in the way that I felt about decisions made around me. I did not choose for my parents to go to Ohio. I only tossed in the wake of that decision; I was not driving the boat. I discovered the true depth of my love for my family, my home, and my former life. I also discovered a need to stay where I am, to grow where I am rooted. I discovered a self-sufficiency I did not know I had. It feels like using a crutch your entire life and then one day realizing you never had an injury. I've discovered I can walk on my own.
I also discovered what sadness feels like, and it is, like Lewis said, "so like fear." But when I sank into my sadness I found firm ground beneath my feet. I found the arms of the Creator, closer than before.
So here's to a year of self discovery, of finding out what we're made of, our strengths, our weaknesses, our loves and our anxieties, our deep promises and broken dreams. And here's to the faith that what we find behind our miseries, our loves, our secrets, is the warm, golden fur of Aslan, holding us forever in the place he's given us as ours.
I've also discovered myself in the way that I felt about decisions made around me. I did not choose for my parents to go to Ohio. I only tossed in the wake of that decision; I was not driving the boat. I discovered the true depth of my love for my family, my home, and my former life. I also discovered a need to stay where I am, to grow where I am rooted. I discovered a self-sufficiency I did not know I had. It feels like using a crutch your entire life and then one day realizing you never had an injury. I've discovered I can walk on my own.
I also discovered what sadness feels like, and it is, like Lewis said, "so like fear." But when I sank into my sadness I found firm ground beneath my feet. I found the arms of the Creator, closer than before.
So here's to a year of self discovery, of finding out what we're made of, our strengths, our weaknesses, our loves and our anxieties, our deep promises and broken dreams. And here's to the faith that what we find behind our miseries, our loves, our secrets, is the warm, golden fur of Aslan, holding us forever in the place he's given us as ours.